You know you read too much slash when...

[krait]

This has been circulating on the After_Class mailing list, and I asked permission to post the responses here. It's long, so it will be in at least two parts. Man, it was fun watching everyone come up with these!

You Know You Read Too Much Slash When
You go into hysterics when your Palm batteries run low, you already used your replacements, and there is no 7-11 in sight. (EternalBastet)

You refuse to leave your apartment because this might be the day that Midnight Blue updates The Mirror of Maybe.(EternalBastet)

You call in sick to work, citing that you slipped and fell and threw your back out, because you haven't been to sleep yet (up all night (reading slash) and are in the middle of a story and can't be bothered to stop reading long enough to switch to your work computer.(EternalBastet)

You consider the good erotic dreams to be the ones where you are
either male, or a hermaphrodite, and tend to ake up during the hetero ones (too boring!)(EternalBastet)

When you start having second thoughts about your previous hopes for your reincarnation to contemplate coming back as a gay male. But then your remember that even gay males have to work - better to come back as a cat and get adopted by an attractive gay couple.... then you can watch! (EternalBastet)

When you bravely obtain some gay porn, but make sure that when you have houseguests that only the hetero porn is out. That way maybe they don't think you are reall really weird... (too late for that)(EternalBastet)

When you start wondering how you could fit bonding earrings into the wizarding world, then dig out your jewelry supplies and start trying to figure out good designs for all the characters. (EternalBastet)

You mentally calculate the lube-worthiness of any liquid you run
across. (Venivincere)

Your hubby goes down on you during sex and you resist the urge to yell "yeah suck my cock!" (NeonMoon)

You're in the supermarket, sneering at the unbelievable lack of
potions ingredients. (SnapesRaven)

You're eyeing your dogs (or any other pets) suspiciously. You tell them you know that they're unregistered animagi. You're sure of that. Pity you haven't seen tham transform yet.... (SnapesRaven)

When you skip going to the supermarket in order to read another
slashfic – there'll be something to eat somewhere in the house,
you're sure of that! (SnapesRaven)

When you interpret every song you hear in a slashy way AND relate it to HP or even better SS/… (SnapesRaven)

When you interpret every poem you know in a slashy way and relate it to Harry Potter, or better to SS/…. (SnapesRaven)

You're timidly searching the grocery store for a good wizarding
meal's components. Bad house-elf! You haven't found anything but
muggle food! Master will not be pleased by that...! *already
searching for something to bang your head on* (SnapesRaven)

You lie in bed. Alone. Or at least you think so. Because suddenly appear Severus, Harry, Remus and Sirius (or any other favourite slash character) next to you. (SnapesRaven)

You're decorating your bedroom like in your favourite slashfic
scene. (SnapesRaven)

While with your lover you accidentally let your favourite
character's name slip... whoops. (SnapesRaven)

You're asking the postman why he doesn't use owls to make his job easier. (SnapesRaven)

You're writing an essay on gang proliferation in the US. At a point where the official denial of a gang problem because of the fear to maximize the gang's cohesion by acknowledging the situation openly is described you mark this paragraph as the evidence of the "You-Know-Who phenomenon". (Just did it!) (SnapesRaven)

You try to talk some sense into your imaginary friend, the Phantom of the Opera: He surely doesn't want to live in those dungeons anymore? Because Severus is looking for a place for next term's break. And Paris would just be far enough away from Hogwarts.

But hang on - if the phantom stays where he is, isn't that a perfect chance for a new pairing? .... (SnapesRaven)

You deny your evidently full schedule and try to appease everybody so that they let you read more slash... because the learning will be done later... Really! (SnapesRaven)

You (female) are asking your male lover if he *really* doesn't even want to just *try* it with another man? You'd love it!
(SnapesRaven)

You show your disinterested male lover slashy fanfics... and don't get his point when he says he prefers you... or other women. But no men. And Snape is the last person he would lay hands on. Your eyes grow wide and you stare, unbelieving. (SnapesRaven)

You show your male lover femslash fics and wonder why he likes them but not the droolworthy gayslash ones... (SnapesRaven)

But you're happy that he likes a bit of slash at all... (SnapesRaven)

...and consider surprising him with a slashy 'scene' when he comes home in the evening. Or rather not? (SnapesRaven)

You reanalyze your schooldays and suddenly there are so many
indicators for slashy student/teacher relationships. And why did
*you* never get detention? Damn manners! (SnapesRaven)

You imagine your lover in a compromising situation with another
male you know. (SnapesRaven)

You imagine your lover in a compromising situation with any other
male. (SnapesRaven)

You imagine your lover in a compromising situation with your
favourite slash character(s).... and only want to watch. That's
delicious enough... (SnapesRaven)

Your lover asks you in the morning why you moaned and mumbled
something of "Severus [or other slash character]... so tight..." etc. and is upset when he finds out that you dreamed of *him* with the other, not of yourself. (SnapesRaven)

When reading info on HP series in general on other websites, you see MOM, and automatically think they are referring to Mirror of Maybe, and not the Ministry of Magic. (joie)

You have three or more notebooks lying around the house, or that you carry with you everywhere, that have story ideas/beginings, and random plot bunnies. (joie)

You spend the entire night reading stories again, simply because you can't wait for the next chapter to come out, even though you have to be up at 7am to go to class. (joie)

When reading OotP, you get random flashes from your fav. stories and can't resist jumping up and down when one of the fanfic authors managed to predict something correctly. (joie)

You can manage to pull yourself away from OotP, after waiting for it to come out for three years, to go eat, or to walk to the kitchen to get food anyways, but you refuse to move from your chair until you have re-read all of the chapters of your fav. fic, just because the author put up a new chapter after a long wait of maybe three months. (joie)

You have *extremely* fond memories of THAT Scene in 'An Awfully Big Adventure,' only in your version Alan Rickman's character is moaning "Oh Harry, Oh Harry." (DementorDelta)

You wish that guy being kissed by Alan Rickman's character in 'Dark Harbor' looked just a little more like a certain English schoolboy. (DementorDelta)

You bought a copy of the French magazine 'Premere' so you could get those four posters. You immediately put up the Draco and Harry ones alongside the Snape and Voldemort ones you already had. You put the Ron and Hermione ones in a drawer... together. (Ruhgozler)

You went over to visit your mother's gay neighbor and asked him to please explain 'rimming' in detail because you wanted to put it in a scene of the story you were writing. (Ruhgozler)

You thought the mention of the Headmaster and Firenze in the same
scene in OotP lent credence to the Dumbledore/Firenze piece of smut you submitted to RestrictedSection.org, and told people. (Ruhgozler)

You read over the previous posts on this topic and were able to
identify with waaay to many of them. (Ruhgozler)

You knew a boy at school who looks exactly like Harry Potter minus the scar... after harassing him your appalled find out he doesn't even know who Harry is, let alone in love with Severus or Draco. (Shinigami Lupin)

You only watch anime because your collection involves only Yaoi/shounen ai.... and graphic at that.... (Shinigami Lupin)

Your parents have to check on you regularly to make sure your still alive because you rarely come downstairs now that you have your own computer. And it's the only way you're getting food these days. (Shinigami Lupin)

You are *convinced* that that your four cousins, all under the age of 6, are the reincarnations of Death Eaters. And you *know* they will find love in each other. (Shinigami Lupin)

You've decided that even if someone is already using it as a pen
name, Harry just has to use the spell "Accio Snape" in your next fic. (Ruhgozler)

Your boss has decided that it's just better if he doesn't ask what has you glued to the computer screen during your lunch break... (Ruhgozler)

Occasionally when you see a gorgeous man you think "God, I'd like to fuck him," and you're female. (Ruhgozler)

You wish you believed in reincarnation and could bribe the gods to let you come back as a gay, male wizard. (Ruhgozler)

You created a cunningly named folder on your hard drive where you can download slash fics to read when your computer illiterate boss is busy doing something else. (Ruhgozler)

You always keep another file open that you can maximize on your
screen at work to hide the slash fic you were just reading before the boss walked in. (Ruhgozler)

Before you go home in the evening you clear out: Cookies, History, Temp Internet Files and the Recycle Bin. Then you go to 'Start, Documents and left click and delete the shortcuts to any fics you were reading on your hard drive. (Ruhgozler)

Your inbox is filled to capacity everyday, and it's all slash fiction groups. (SylverFlames)

You're working on over half a dozen fics, all HP slash, and come up with new stories daily. (SylverFlames)

You get mad when people talk to you online because they are
interupting an HP slash story, even if it's someone you haven't talked to in a long time. (SylverFlames)

You hate certain characters in The Books because you liked the way (insert fanfic author) characterized them better in their stories. (SylverFlames)

You get excited every time two male characters in a movie or book
touch, because you are convinced it proves they are gay, and shagging every chance they get. (SylverFlames)

Within two days of meeting you, you've converted new friends to slash, and if you haven't managed, don't bother with those people any more. (SylverFlames)

You've converted at least 20 other people to Slash fiction
(SylverFlames)

Your friends are constantly asking you what PWP, WIP, Slash,
Fem-Slash, etc means because you use them in every day conversations. (SylverFlames)

You've re-watched movies multiple times just to find proof that those two male characters are in love, and shagging every chance they get. (SylverFlames)

You bought a pocket PC after reading in this thread about the advantages it has for your slash hobby. (Naltariel)

You're working on securing the file on your computer as well as your Pocket PC to avoid prying eyes. And still haven't found good solution. (Naltariel)

You're never been happier your parents can't read in English so they won't be able to understand what BDSM, slash, etc, are. (Naltariel)

You never give your LJ or website link to your RL ( real life, not Remus Lupin) friends, to avoid them reading your Snarry NC17 fics.

Your family try to bribe you by giving you anything you want as long as you are not sitting in front of computer. (Naltariel)

You wish Latin was taught in your school just so you could use it fluently in fics. (Naltariel)

When someone asked who's your favorite author, you'll answer (insert favorite fanfic writers name here), forgetting that your friends have no idea who they are. (Naltariel)

You're surprised to see a man and woman falling in love ( in real life, TV, etc) because it looks so unnatural! (Naltariel)

You learn English far more from writing and reading fanfic than you ever had in whole life. (Naltariel)

You spend most of your money for internet connection. (Naltariel)

You don't like the new canon of Book Five, on the grounds that it "isn't gay enough." (oddplaces)

You went through Order of the Phoenix picking out all the out-of-context naughty bits and giggling over them. (oddplaces)

You have two livejournals, so that you can post slashy stuff (like this list) on one without your friends-list people finding out you read gay porn. (oddplaces)

You try to convince the guy you're dating that he's at least a little gay and would like to take it up the arse. (FerretMalfoy)

When you cringe and say "EWWW!" when a male and a female kiss (in books, on screen), when your dad asks what's wrong you tell him: "It's just so...hetero." Then you go read slash fanfiction because you feel dirty. (FerretMalfoy)

Your friend who works at a video store (male) gets you gay porn for your birthday and it's your favorite present. (FerretMalfoy)

You have an elaborate plan to convert your friend from het to slash, involving at least 10 subtle steps. (FerretMalfoy)

You defend Snape when someone says that he's evil, telling everyone that it's just tough love that makes him so mean to Harry. (FerretMalfoy)

Your friend gives you a collection of HP notebooks so that you can write "Your gay stories" in it . (FerretMalfoy)

When Sirius died, the first thing you thought was that Remus didn't have his life mate any longer...then you howled in pain as you imagined he would have

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This has been circulating on the After_Class mailing list, and I asked permission to post the responses here. It's long, so it will be in at least two parts. Man, it was fun watching everyone come up with these!
<lj-cut text="Warning: LONG!">
<u>You Know You Read Too Much Slash When</u>
You go into hysterics when your Palm batteries run low, you already used your replacements, and there is no 7-11 in sight. (EternalBastet)

You refuse to leave your apartment because this might be the day that Midnight Blue updates The Mirror of Maybe.(EternalBastet)

You call in sick to work, citing that you slipped and fell and threw your back out, because you haven't been to sleep yet (up all night (reading slash) and are in the middle of a story and can't be bothered to stop reading long enough to switch to your work computer.(EternalBastet)

You consider the good erotic dreams to be the ones where you are
either male, or a hermaphrodite, and tend to ake up during the hetero ones (too boring!)(EternalBastet)

When you start having second thoughts about your previous hopes for your reincarnation to contemplate coming back as a gay male. But then your remember that even gay males have to work - better to come back as a cat and get adopted by an attractive gay couple.... then you can watch! (EternalBastet)

When you bravely obtain some gay porn, but make sure that when you have houseguests that only the hetero porn is out. That way maybe they don't think you are reall really weird... (too late for that)(EternalBastet)

When you start wondering how you could fit bonding earrings into the wizarding world, then dig out your jewelry supplies and start trying to figure out good designs for all the characters. (EternalBastet)

You mentally calculate the lube-worthiness of any liquid you run
across. (Venivincere)

Your hubby goes down on you during sex and you resist the urge to yell "yeah suck my cock!" (NeonMoon)

You're in the supermarket, sneering at the unbelievable lack of
potions ingredients. (SnapesRaven)

You're eyeing your dogs (or any other pets) suspiciously. You tell them you know that they're unregistered animagi. You're sure of that. Pity you haven't seen tham transform yet.... (SnapesRaven)

When you skip going to the supermarket in order to read another
slashfic – there'll be something to eat somewhere in the house,
you're sure of that! (SnapesRaven)

When you interpret every song you hear in a slashy way AND relate it to HP or even better SS/… (SnapesRaven)

When you interpret every poem you know in a slashy way and relate it to Harry Potter, or better to SS/…. (SnapesRaven)

You're timidly searching the grocery store for a good wizarding
meal's components. Bad house-elf! You haven't found anything but
muggle food! Master will not be pleased by that...! *already
searching for something to bang your head on* (SnapesRaven)

You lie in bed. Alone. Or at least you think so. Because suddenly appear Severus, Harry, Remus and Sirius (or any other favourite slash character) next to you. (SnapesRaven)

You're decorating your bedroom like in your favourite slashfic
scene. (SnapesRaven)

While with your lover you accidentally let your favourite
character's name slip... whoops. (SnapesRaven)

You're asking the postman why he doesn't use owls to make his job easier. (SnapesRaven)

You're writing an essay on gang proliferation in the US. At a point where the official denial of a gang problem because of the fear to maximize the gang's cohesion by acknowledging the situation openly is described you mark this paragraph as the evidence of the "You-Know-Who phenomenon". (Just did it!) (SnapesRaven)

You try to talk some sense into your imaginary friend, the Phantom of the Opera: He surely doesn't want to live in those dungeons anymore? Because Severus is looking for a place for next term's break. And Paris would just be far enough away from Hogwarts.

But hang on - if the phantom stays where he is, isn't that a perfect chance for a new pairing? .... (SnapesRaven)

You deny your evidently full schedule and try to appease everybody so that they let you read more slash... because the learning will be done later... Really! (SnapesRaven)

You (female) are asking your male lover if he *really* doesn't even want to just *try* it with another man? You'd love it!
(SnapesRaven)

You show your disinterested male lover slashy fanfics... and don't get his point when he says he prefers you... or other women. But no men. And Snape is the last person he would lay hands on. Your eyes grow wide and you stare, unbelieving. (SnapesRaven)

You show your male lover femslash fics and wonder why he likes them but not the droolworthy gayslash ones... (SnapesRaven)

But you're happy that he likes a bit of slash at all... (SnapesRaven)

...and consider surprising him with a slashy 'scene' when he comes home in the evening. Or rather not? (SnapesRaven)

You reanalyze your schooldays and suddenly there are so many
indicators for slashy student/teacher relationships. And why did
*you* never get detention? Damn manners! (SnapesRaven)

You imagine your lover in a compromising situation with another
male you know. (SnapesRaven)

You imagine your lover in a compromising situation with any other
male. (SnapesRaven)

You imagine your lover in a compromising situation with your
favourite slash character(s).... and only want to watch. That's
delicious enough... (SnapesRaven)

Your lover asks you in the morning why you moaned and mumbled
something of "Severus [or other slash character]... so tight..." etc. and is upset when he finds out that you dreamed of *him* with the other, not of yourself. (SnapesRaven)

When reading info on HP series in general on other websites, you see MOM, and automatically think they are referring to Mirror of Maybe, and not the Ministry of Magic. (joie)

You have three or more notebooks lying around the house, or that you carry with you everywhere, that have story ideas/beginings, and random plot bunnies. (joie)

You spend the entire night reading stories again, simply because you can't wait for the next chapter to come out, even though you have to be up at 7am to go to class. (joie)

When reading OotP, you get random flashes from your fav. stories and can't resist jumping up and down when one of the fanfic authors managed to predict something correctly. (joie)

You can manage to pull yourself away from OotP, after waiting for it to come out for three years, to go eat, or to walk to the kitchen to get food anyways, but you refuse to move from your chair until you have re-read all of the chapters of your fav. fic, just because the author put up a new chapter after a long wait of maybe three months. (joie)

You have *extremely* fond memories of THAT Scene in 'An Awfully Big Adventure,' only in your version Alan Rickman's character is moaning "Oh Harry, Oh Harry." (DementorDelta)

You wish that guy being kissed by Alan Rickman's character in 'Dark Harbor' looked just a little more like a certain English schoolboy. (DementorDelta)

You bought a copy of the French magazine 'Premere' so you could get those four posters. You immediately put up the Draco and Harry ones alongside the Snape and Voldemort ones you already had. You put the Ron and Hermione ones in a drawer... together. (Ruhgozler)

You went over to visit your mother's gay neighbor and asked him to please explain 'rimming' in detail because you wanted to put it in a scene of the story you were writing. (Ruhgozler)

You thought the mention of the Headmaster and Firenze in the same
scene in OotP lent credence to the Dumbledore/Firenze piece of smut you submitted to RestrictedSection.org, and told people. (Ruhgozler)

You read over the previous posts on this topic and were able to
identify with waaay to many of them. (Ruhgozler)

You knew a boy at school who looks exactly like Harry Potter minus the scar... after harassing him your appalled find out he doesn't even know who Harry is, let alone in love with Severus or Draco. (Shinigami Lupin)

You only watch anime because your collection involves only Yaoi/shounen ai.... and graphic at that.... (Shinigami Lupin)

Your parents have to check on you regularly to make sure your still alive because you rarely come downstairs now that you have your own computer. And it's the only way you're getting food these days. (Shinigami Lupin)

You are *convinced* that that your four cousins, all under the age of 6, are the reincarnations of Death Eaters. And you *know* they will find love in each other. (Shinigami Lupin)

You've decided that even if someone is already using it as a pen
name, Harry just has to use the spell "Accio Snape" in your next fic. (Ruhgozler)

Your boss has decided that it's just better if he doesn't ask what has you glued to the computer screen during your lunch break... (Ruhgozler)

Occasionally when you see a gorgeous man you think "God, I'd like to fuck him," and you're female. (Ruhgozler)

You wish you believed in reincarnation and could bribe the gods to let you come back as a gay, male wizard. (Ruhgozler)

You created a cunningly named folder on your hard drive where you can download slash fics to read when your computer illiterate boss is busy doing something else. (Ruhgozler)

You always keep another file open that you can maximize on your
screen at work to hide the slash fic you were just reading before the boss walked in. (Ruhgozler)

Before you go home in the evening you clear out: Cookies, History, Temp Internet Files and the Recycle Bin. Then you go to 'Start, Documents and left click and delete the shortcuts to any fics you were reading on your hard drive. (Ruhgozler)

Your inbox is filled to capacity everyday, and it's all slash fiction groups. (SylverFlames)

You're working on over half a dozen fics, all HP slash, and come up with new stories daily. (SylverFlames)

You get mad when people talk to you online because they are
interupting an HP slash story, even if it's someone you haven't talked to in a long time. (SylverFlames)

You hate certain characters in The Books because you liked the way (insert fanfic author) characterized them better in their stories. (SylverFlames)

You get excited every time two male characters in a movie or book
touch, because you are convinced it proves they are gay, and shagging every chance they get. (SylverFlames)

Within two days of meeting you, you've converted new friends to slash, and if you haven't managed, don't bother with those people any more. (SylverFlames)

You've converted at least 20 other people to Slash fiction
(SylverFlames)

Your friends are constantly asking you what PWP, WIP, Slash,
Fem-Slash, etc means because you use them in every day conversations. (SylverFlames)

You've re-watched movies multiple times just to find proof that those two male characters are in love, and shagging every chance they get. (SylverFlames)

You bought a pocket PC after reading in this thread about the advantages it has for your slash hobby. (Naltariel)

You're working on securing the file on your computer as well as your Pocket PC to avoid prying eyes. And still haven't found good solution. (Naltariel)

You're never been happier your parents can't read in English so they won't be able to understand what BDSM, slash, etc, are. (Naltariel)

You never give your LJ or website link to your RL ( real life, not Remus Lupin) friends, to avoid them reading your Snarry NC17 fics.

Your family try to bribe you by giving you anything you want as long as you are not sitting in front of computer. (Naltariel)

You wish Latin was taught in your school just so you could use it fluently in fics. (Naltariel)

When someone asked who's your favorite author, you'll answer (insert favorite fanfic writers name here), forgetting that your friends have no idea who they are. (Naltariel)

You're surprised to see a man and woman falling in love ( in real life, TV, etc) because it looks so unnatural! (Naltariel)

You learn English far more from writing and reading fanfic than you ever had in whole life. (Naltariel)

You spend most of your money for internet connection. (Naltariel)

You don't like the new canon of Book Five, on the grounds that it "isn't gay enough." (oddplaces)

You went through <i>Order of the Phoenix</i> picking out all the out-of-context naughty bits and giggling over them. (oddplaces)

You have two livejournals, so that you can post slashy stuff (like this list) on one without your friends-list people finding out you read gay porn. (oddplaces)

You try to convince the guy you're dating that he's at least a little gay and would like to take it up the arse. (FerretMalfoy)

When you cringe and say "EWWW!" when a male and a female kiss (in books, on screen), when your dad asks what's wrong you tell him: "It's just so...hetero." Then you go read slash fanfiction because you feel dirty. (FerretMalfoy)

Your friend who works at a video store (male) gets you gay porn for your birthday and it's your favorite present. (FerretMalfoy)

You have an elaborate plan to convert your friend from het to slash, involving at least 10 subtle steps. (FerretMalfoy)

You defend Snape when someone says that he's evil, telling everyone that it's just tough love that makes him so mean to Harry. (FerretMalfoy)

Your friend gives you a collection of HP notebooks so that you can write "Your gay stories" in it <my friends know me well and STILL love me>. (FerretMalfoy)

When Sirius died, the first thing you thought was that Remus didn't have his life mate any longer...then you howled in pain as you imagined he would have <weird, I know>. (FerretMalfoy)

You count down the days until you turn eighteen, because when the time comes, you'll finally be able to go to YaoiCon. (FerretMalfoy)

When you see people dressed as Draco Malfoy and Pansy Parkinson at an anime convention, you wonder why Harry isn't there to push Pansy off of his lover. (FerretMalfoy)

You convince the homophobic homosexual on the bus that charcters from anime and HP are indeed gay, and force him to admit it with a verbal trap <acredited to my sharp wit>. (FerretMalfoy)

All of your fish are named after the male characters, and you swear the two male bettas, Remus and Sirius, are in love. (Shinigami Lupin)

You have dreams of Harry and Draco in a toy store.. no.. really, Toys-R-Us in the toy tools section. (~~Minnie)

You try and convince your husband you absolutely HAVE to get a pure white Sable Ferret and name him Draco (~~Minnie)

You actually want to buy some of the stuff from Jade's shoppe, the only reason you haven't is your hubby says no *pouts* (~~Minnie)

You consider taking the first two fics you ever wrote off FFnet because they are *gasps* het and quite frankly they are embarrassing. (~~Minnie)

Your 2 yr old sees and says Potter at least five times a day and has nothing to do with the movie. (~~Minnie)

You won't even consider reading a het fic with the exception of your best friends fics because they aren't anywhere near as interesting to read, even if it is Draco and Hermione (~~Minnie)</lj-cut>